Green Eggs and Ham
Hot Jokes
Hot Jokes
Little Johnny Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked How much is 2 x 3? I said 6." "But that's right!"
"Then she asked me How much is 3 x 2?" "What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
The Toothbrush Salesman
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.
He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him.
The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes.
So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like s**t."
And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
Krepla Again
These three construction workers, (a black, a Pole and a Mexican) were going to take a lunch break. They were building a bridge, so they grabbed their lunch boxes and went and sat on the top of this bridge.
The black guy opens his lunch and says, "Fried chicken again?!! If I get fried chicken again I'm going to leap off this bridge and kill myself!!"
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Burritos again!! If I get burritos again I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"
The Pole opens up his lunch and says, "krepla again!! If I get krepla one more time I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"
They all eat their lunch and go back to work. The next day, lunch comes and they go back to the top of the bridge to eat.
The black says, "Alright, bologna and cheese!"
The Mexican says, "Alright, spaghetti and meatballs!"
And the Pole opens his lunch, stands up and yells, "Krepla again??!!!" and dives off the bridge.
The Mexican starts laughing his ass off.
"That's not funny", says the black, "He just killed himself!"
"Yeah, but he packs his own lunch!"
The Crappy Captain
One day, a Spanish warship was sailing on the ocean. It was a time of war, and the waters were dangerous.
Suddenly, a crewmember walks up to the captain, and yells, "Captain, Captain!"
"Hmmm?" he replies.
"Captain, there's an enemy ship off of the port bow!"
"Bring me my red shirt," declared the captain quizzically.
The crewmember was confused, but did as he was told. After the battle was over, they were victorious, and no members had been lost, or even injured. Later that week, the crewmember could no longer contain his curiosity, and asked, "Captain, the other day before the battle, why did you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"
"Ahh," said the captain. "just in case I got shot during the battle, I wanted my crew to continue fighting valiantly, so I asked you to bring me the red shirt to cover up the color of any blood."
The crewmember was honored to have such a brave, noble captain as his leader.
A few weeks passed without an attack, and finally the ship met another enemy.
"Captain, Captain!!" exclaimed the crewmember.
"Hmmm?" replied the captain yet again.
"Captain, there are fifteen enemy ships off to starboard!!!"
The captain's reply?
"Bring me my brown pants."
The drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Connection With God
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me.
Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.
He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Interviewer Without Ears
A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
George Bush Rescued
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil.
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mamma so fat that when she volunteered to clean the zoom a little kid said, "mummy look at that fat elephant seal!"
Yo mama so stupid when she saw an R rated movie, she went home and got 17 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Most useless inventions
- Non stick Cellotape
- Solar Powered Flash Light
- A black highlighter pen
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Inflatable Anchor
- Smooth Sandpaper
- Waterproof sponge
- Waterproof Teabags
- AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
- Fireproof Matches
- Fireproof Cigarettes
- Battery powered Battery Charger
- Seatbelts for Motorbikes
- Hand powered Chainsaw
- Inflatable Dartboard
- Silent Alarm Clock
- A Pedal powered wheelchair
- Braille Drivers Manual
- Double sided playing cards
- Ejector seats for Helicopters
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